So another fun insurance thing came up today. I received one of those envelopes filled with random pages of text from the insurance company, most of which deal with how they’re changing their privacy policy to allow any yahoo in the hemisphere to contact you with “special offers” and whatnot. But I saw this really important boldface type about my terrorism insurance coverage, and I just knew that I had to read it so I can fully understand what a terrorist attack on my house would mean to me.

It’s important to notice that only certified acts of terrorism are covered by this statement. Of course that makes me ask several questions:

1) Who certifies terrorist acts? Is that something the insurance company does, or is there some branch of the federal government that specializes in this sort of thing?

2) What are the requirements for something to be certified? Does one of these inspector people stand around in the carnage, frowning a bit, and then nod and say, “Yep, this was a terrorist act”?

3) Why are only 90% of the “terrorism losses” covered? I mean, come on, you’re leaving a measly 10% left? Just pay the whole thing.

4) Since pretty much everything, including my Carmex lip balm, is considered a terrorist tool these days, wouldn’t that pretty much mean even a dog sneezing on my laptop could be covered by this policy?