Business has picked up recently, to the point where I’m in the market for another employee. I’ve posted a job listing on Craigslist, and of course the results have been mixed. There were a couple of good candidates who replied to the ad, and about fifteen freelancers and recruiters who clearly didn’t read the big red type at the bottom of the ad that said I’m looking strictly for a full-time on-site employee, not a part-time off-site contractor.

This happens every time I place an ad like this, and I decided I wasn’t going to mince words with these clowns any more. So every time one of these idiots sends me their little canned spammy message bragging about their awesome services and amazing prices (for development teams from India, usually), I just reply with a canned message of my own that lays into them and leaves no doubt that I consider them rude and unprofessional.

But tonight I got a message from a guy that took it to a whole new level. This guy actually had none of the skills I listed in my job posting– including the ones in bold font that I explained were absolutely essential. I went down the list, amazed at how completely and totally unqualified he is for the position.

I want a PHP programmer, but he does ASP.
I need MySQL database work, but he’s an expert at SQL Server.
Our web servers run Apache, but he uses IIS.
I ask for Linux experience, but he’s a Windows guru.
I want a local person, but he’s in San Francisco.
I need an employee, but he’s a freelancer.

Reading through his multi-page resume was simply breathtaking. This guy is the anti-candidate: the polar opposite of what I want. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so dang annoying.