Some friends of ours loaned us their DVD of “Cutthroat Island” and told us it was a pretty fun and exciting movie. What the heck, we watched it last night.

At the end, both of us agreed it was possibly the worst movie we’ve seen in a long time. It was so cheesy you could smell the cheddar wafting from the screen. Despite the movie case’s assurance that it was a “tidal wave of adventure”, I’d have to say it was so full of cliches and obvious plot twists that it was just painful.

The star is Geena Davis as swashbuckling pirate Captain Morgan Something-Or-Other. If this had been her first movie role, it would also have been her last. Neither of us could believe how bad her acting was… although perhaps the screenwriters should share some of the blame for the terrible dialogue.

In a tie for the Worst Line are these two scenes:

First, Captain Morgan rescues her comrades from the brig. After snapping the neck of a guard with her bare hands and taking his pistol to blast the other guard, one of her crewmates looks up and says, “Captain Morgan, it’s you!”. Her response is a deadpan, “Yes, it’s me, Captain Morgan.” Oh my. I suppose it’s hard to tell it’s her, since she’s the only woman in the entire movie and likely the only woman pirate captain on the entire planet.

And second, after the climactic swordfighting scene with her evil uncle Captain Dog– during which she climbed to the top of the main mast for reasons that can only be described as confusing– Captain Morgan reveals a cannon hidden under a sheet and says forcefully “Bad Dog!” as she lights the fuse. Captain Dog is subsequently blown through about fifteen bulkheads, propelled by the cannonball and a special effects budget of at least twenty dollars.

All in all, it was an amazing display of cheesiness only rivaled by watching a casual friend’s grainy home movies for hours on end. Once we accepted the fact (about five minutes into the show) that the movie was simply not going to be any good, it was somewhat fun to watch and laugh at the horrible lines.

Ahh, Hollywood. Providing mental stimulation for the masses.