I just got a copy of this cover letter from Steve. Apparently it was sent to Steve’s co-worker’s sister’s friend (who also heard that Ferris passed out at 32 Flavors last night, so I guess it’s pretty serious).
It starts out strong, and only gets better from there…
159 Lowell House Mail Center
Cambridge, MA 02138
Dear Mr. [name deleted],
Through the Harvard University Faculty of Arts and Sciences Office of Career Services, I learned of Raymond James’ present career opportunities. As a senior at the Harvard College, I have a fervent thirst to command the position of Analyst this coming fall.
My background is most impressive, intimidatingly so, and my resume reiterates said impressiveness. While at Harvard, I have immersed myself in the noble pursuits of classroom and academia by large. Outside the classroom, I have proven myself to be a feral participant in the arduous yet glorifying game of life.
While at Harvard (est. 1626), the university’s culture has become a part of my patchwork; my moral fiber; my being. I have offered my mind and flesh to the young people on this campus with an intense humility. Harvard’s shield of Veritas, meaning truth, is now emblazoned into my spirit. It will bleed through my soul until I die a satisfied human on this great blue marble I call Mother Planet.
Extra-curricularly, I have dominated the Executive Board of 2 unique campus organizations, and founded some also. Currently, I am engaged in a marketing consulting project with a number of diverse student colleagues who are slightly less motivated and less organized than myself. I have also found the time to enroll in classes (normally 4 per semester, two times 5, one time 3 (abnormally extended malady)). I feel my unusual ability to balance homework with classes, friendship with acquaintanceship, and still entertain a sympathetic, understanding, concerned, kind, compassionate, intellectually thrusting and competitive nature helps me to lord it over my colleagues like a King.
If you’ll allow me, I’d like to illustrate the type of Raymond James colleague that I will be through a representative story, or analogy. Simply put, the financial world is a sweet-johnson dance party. As your colleague, I will roll-up on other analysts in that piece (conference room) and start flashing my ice (i.e. a bangin’ portfolio) until they step off my shorty (client). I’ll spot the bond market in the corner, advance, and subsequently badunka-dunk-dunk it without mercy until it ejects money like a cash-hydrant.
I command an understanding of many financial terms, including but not limited to Visa, insider trading, W-2, audit, depreciation, appreciation, federal reserve, ATM, futures market, annual reports, proxy statements, form 10-K’s, fiscal responsibility, cash, denaro, green-“backs,” and, last but not least, money.
Raymond James is interviewing at Harvard on November 10, 2004. My schedule is flexible and I am willing to accommodate you at certain times concurrent with my daily planner. Enclosed is a copy of my resume for your review and reading pleasure. Thank you for my consideration, and I look forward to controlling money this September.