Everyone remembers those cute little teddy bears from Return of the Jedi. They were clever and resourceful, helping Luke and his Rebel friends take down (as the Emperor bragged) an entire garrison of the best Imperial stormtroopers. Who didn’t see these plucky little guys and think “Aww, I’d love to take one home”?
Because of their undeniable charm, Ewoks became a marketing powerhouse too. Dress up your toddler as a furry resistance fighter!
Heck, even pets got in on the action:
But today, that happy little fantasy came crashing down in my world when I saw a comment on the internet about Leia’s dress when she was among the Ewoks in their village.
Remember, she’d been wearing camouflage battle gear earlier as she crept through the trees of Endor. So where did the Ewoks get that dress? It’s certainly too big for any of them! Wait a minute… didn’t they grab Han and his buddies in a giant trap? And once they’d captured the gang of our heroes, they promptly tied all of them to sticks. Han was the lucky first pick, stretched out over some firewood and about to become dinner.
Luke and Chewbacca are in the background, also tied to sticks, presumably awaiting their turn. Maybe they’re breakfast and lunch the next day or something. My point is, the Ewoks are clearly very fond of cooked human flesh. Leia’s dress must have come from… some other hapless woman they’d captured in their infernal traps. Whoa.
Luckily C-3PO convinced the Ewoks to set Luke, Han, and Chewie free. Whew! Maybe those furballs aren’t so horrible after all. But wait. After the climactic battle where the Imperial ground forces were wiped out, the Ewoks threw a huge party that featured a sweet bongo band hammering out a beat on… the empty helmets of Imperial soldiers!
I guess they needed enough meat to feed the entire Rebel fleet, who apparently came down to the surface for the rave. I hope Wedge and Nien Nunb and Admiral Ackbar enjoyed their dinners! “Hmm, tastes a bit like chicken…”
Yeah. Ewoks are monsters.