Jon Swift has some outstanding proposals for how the federal government can rename certain departments in order to clarify their missions and purposes. I think we’d all agree that some of these names would really help people understand how their government is working for them.
New Name: Victory Department
The Pentagon has been on the defensive a lot lately when it should be on the offensive. This new name will send the right message to defeatists.
Old Name: National Security Agency
New Name: National Patriot Agency
Let’s see how many people would dare risk being called unpatriotic by criticizing this agency now.
Old Name: State Department
New Name: Pre-War Department
I think this will send a message that there are other options on the table if diplomacy doesn’t work.
Old Name: White House Press Office
New Name: Ministry of Truth
This name would undercut those skeptical members of the liberal media and the reality-based community.
Old Name: Homeland Security
New Name: Ministry of Fear
“Homeland Security” has always sounded a bit too folksy and it gives people a false sense of safety when actually they should be terrified.
Old Name: FBI
New Name: The Untouchables
Remember when J Edgar Hoover and his G-men were free to fight crime and no one else in the government would dare lay a glove on them?
Old Name: CIA
New Name: ?
Wouldn’t a spy agency be more effective if no one knew its name? I think we should disband it and then revive it undercover with a secret name. If people really need to refer to it they can call it the Agency-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or You-Know-Who.
Old Name: Energy Department
New Name: Oil Department
Americans need to face facts that we’re not going to find other sources of energy anytime soon. The sooner we realize that, the better.
Old Name: Department of the Interior
New Name: Department of the Exterior
The name of this department always confused me since National Parks are all outside.
Old Name: Department of Transportation
New Name: Department of Planes, Trains and Automobiles
I think this would be a nice tribute John Candy.
Old Name: NASA
New Name: Global Warming Debunking Agency
Let’s see how long global warming fear mongers like James Hansen will stick around at an agency with this name.
Old Name: Health and Human Services
New Name: Government Handout Department
I couldn’t think of anything more apt than this.
Old Name: Federal Election Commission
New Name: Federal Re-Election Commission
Since most incumbents are re-elected anyway this name would make the agency’s responsibilities a lot clearer.