The mortgage on my house is through Chase Bank, and today I received a Special New Offer from them. Whee!

They “noticed” that my last payment was delivered in a U.S. Mail envelope. Since every payment I’ve sent them for the past four years was also delivered via U.S. Mail, one wonders why this is such a revelation to them… but apparently it made someone over at Chase sit up and take notice. “Hey,” I’m sure they said, “we need to extend a Special New Offer to this guy!”

So the Special New Offer is an opportunity for me to sign up for their “Chase FastPay” program, wherein my mortgage payments are deducted directly from my bank account. According to their nice personalized letter, this will make my life so much easier, and will also save me money. Well, heck, I’m a sucker for an easier life and saving money, so I skimmed the next few paragraphs.

It turns out there’s a Low Monthly Fee of only $12.00 to enroll in this program. Hmm. I don’t know if they checked the price of stamps at their local post office, but I’d be surprised to find any twelve-dollar stamps around there. One wonders how twelve bucks will be a savings over the thirty-seven cents I normally spend every month, but I’m no financial wizard, and we all know the guys at Chase are. So maybe I’m missing something.

It also occurred to me that an electronic payment would most likely make their processing easier, since they wouldn’t have to open my envelope, pull out the check, open the computer program and enter the account number, enter the amount, and verify that it posted. It seems that they should be paying me to use their FastPay program, although maybe they have Third-World sweatshops staffed by poor children who only cost a few pennies a day for the data entry. Who knows.

So, sadly, I’m going to have to pass on the Special New Offer and continue licking stamps every month. Hey, wait, I don’t even have to lick them any more– isn’t technology great?