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I just got a copy of this cover letter from Steve. Apparently it was sent to Steve’s co-worker’s sister’s friend (who also heard that Ferris passed out at 32 Flavors last night, so I guess it’s pretty serious).

It starts out strong, and only gets better from there…

Josh Hollinger
159 Lowell House Mail Center
Cambridge, MA 02138

Dear Mr. [name deleted],

Through the Harvard University Faculty of Arts and Sciences Office of Career Services, I learned of Raymond James’ present career opportunities. As a senior at the Harvard College, I have a fervent thirst to command the position of Analyst this coming fall.

My background is most impressive, intimidatingly so, and my resume reiterates said impressiveness. While at Harvard, I have immersed myself in the noble pursuits of classroom and academia by large. Outside the classroom, I have proven myself to be a feral participant in the arduous yet glorifying game of life.

While at Harvard (est. 1626), the university’s culture has become a part of my patchwork; my moral fiber; my being. I have offered my mind and flesh to the young people on this campus with an intense humility. Harvard’s shield of Veritas, meaning truth, is now emblazoned into my spirit. It will bleed through my soul until I die a satisfied human on this great blue marble I call Mother Planet.

Extra-curricularly, I have dominated the Executive Board of 2 unique campus organizations, and founded some also. Currently, I am engaged in a marketing consulting project with a number of diverse student colleagues who are slightly less motivated and less organized than myself. I have also found the time to enroll in classes (normally 4 per semester, two times 5, one time 3 (abnormally extended malady)). I feel my unusual ability to balance homework with classes, friendship with acquaintanceship, and still entertain a sympathetic, understanding, concerned, kind, compassionate, intellectually thrusting and competitive nature helps me to lord it over my colleagues like a King.

If you’ll allow me, I’d like to illustrate the type of Raymond James colleague that I will be through a representative story, or analogy. Simply put, the financial world is a sweet-johnson dance party. As your colleague, I will roll-up on other analysts in that piece (conference room) and start flashing my ice (i.e. a bangin’ portfolio) until they step off my shorty (client). I’ll spot the bond market in the corner, advance, and subsequently badunka-dunk-dunk it without mercy until it ejects money like a cash-hydrant.

I command an understanding of many financial terms, including but not limited to Visa, insider trading, W-2, audit, depreciation, appreciation, federal reserve, ATM, futures market, annual reports, proxy statements, form 10-K’s, fiscal responsibility, cash, denaro, green-“backs,” and, last but not least, money.

Raymond James is interviewing at Harvard on November 10, 2004. My schedule is flexible and I am willing to accommodate you at certain times concurrent with my daily planner. Enclosed is a copy of my resume for your review and reading pleasure. Thank you for my consideration, and I look forward to controlling money this September.

Sincerely,

Josh Hollinger

This device pretty much needs no explanation.

It’s hard to believe that I hired full-time help two weeks ago, and now I’m considering hiring another person. Wow, talk about a boom in business! There are so many things going on, so many clients asking for more stuff, and a few potential “biggies” looming on the horizon…

It’s true that when it rains it pours, I guess. This year my New Year’s “theme” (not resolution) is to grow my business, and it looks like I’ll be able to do that in spades. I’ve heard that most small businesses take about five years to really get off the ground, and this June marks the fifth anniversary of me leaving Corporate America to strike out on my own. I guess I’m right on schedule…

“He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.”

— Thomas Jefferson

Last night I was over at Myles’ house for an evening of poker. It was a lot of fun, but perhaps the funniest part of the entire thing was sitting with a group of grown men– all of whom probably make $50k or more a year– and watching them fold a hand because the bet was raised from a nickel to a dime.

“Whoa, too rich for my blood!”

We played with nice Vegas-style casino chips though, so it wasn’t so much the fact that a white chip was worth five cents. It could have been worth a hundred bucks instead. Still a lot of fun.

And by the time all was said and done and we headed home around one in the morning, I had made a dollar. A whole dollar. I suppose I should put that into a college fund or something, and when Alex turns eighteen I can present him with the dollar plus the fourteen cents of interest. Woo hoo!

Laralee and I just finished watching “Troy”. We decided the movie basically broke down into two likeable characters…

Hector — cool guy, smart, honorable, a good warrior.
Hector’s wife — smart, pretty.

…and several thousand idiots.

Achilles — Mr. Ego, vain, prideful, completely lacking in honor.
Agamemnon — mean-spirited, selfish, heartless, just plain evil.
Paris — starry-eyed wimpy dork.
Helen — dumb blond, not pretty enough to start a war over.
King of Troy — didn’t listen to either of his sons.
Achilles’ girlfriend — much too forgiving, or just too easily seduced.

So while the movie itself had good action and special effects and so on, it was basically a long lesson about how pride will be your downfall. Oh, and be sure not to get shot in the heel with an arrow.

So Congress opened hearings about the use of steroids in Major League Baseball. I guess they’re trying to figure out whether professional baseball players use steroids at all (duh), and whether there’s a correlation with the use of steroids amongst the high-school crowd.

For me, two questions immediately come to mind:

1) Doesn’t Congress have better things to do than subpoena a dozen baseball players and put them on camera?

2) Steroid use isn’t actually illegal, right? If not, why is the legislative branch of our government involved?

O Joyous Day!

Webster’s recently decided to add a new word to the dictionary:

wedgie: noun. a prank in which the victim’s undershorts are jerked upward so as to become wedged between the buttocks.

Oh, what a crazy world in which we live. In Vancouver, the police and government have decided to give away heroin. From a Fox News story:

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – Just over the United States northwest border, addicts will soon be able to get their fix from the Canadian government in the form of free heroin administered by nurses and doctors on the taxpayer’s dime. “They’re using heroin. They’ll continue to use heroin. What we’re trying to do is prevent them from getting something irreversible like HIV, hepatitis C and overdose death,” said Dr. Martin Schechter, the director of the heroin program.

Wow. Will Vancouver see a surge in deadbeat population? Steve’s commentary on this:

Nice!  First it was free condoms to high school and junior high students, then it was free needles to junkies, now free heroin to junkies.  What’s next?  

Free hookers to high schoolers?
“Well, they’re gonna have sex anyway.  This will keep the teenage pregnancy rate down by giving them our state employed hookers who have been AIDS tested and are assured to be on the pill”

Free guns to gang-bangers?
“Well, they’re gonna get and use their guns anyway.  This will reduce gun-stealing and weapons-dealing.  Also, the guns we give will be checked out to make sure that they are not going to backfire on the user.”

Free bombs to terrorists?
“Well, they’re gonna bomb anyway.  Why don’t we get rid of the risky bomb transporting market and arms dealers.  This would also remove much of the border skirmish issues and allow us to make sure that the terrorists know what they are doing.  A terrorist who doesn’t have adequate training on bomb handling and care could have a bad accident and cause problems for the surrounding neighbors, etc.”

Sheesh.

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.”

— Ernest Benn