The City of New York, in its infinite wisdom, has just passed what may be the first law of its kind in the country: it’s now illegal to use a metal bat in a high school baseball game.

Yes, indeed, there are few more pressing issues in the Big Apple than the rampant use of aluminum swat sticks at these games. It’s a good thing the city council took action, because heaven knows the devastation that would continue if they hadn’t. They cited two examples of serious injuries during high school games: one pitcher was killed and another injured (in two separate games) by baseballs hit from metal bats. But it’s not like these incidents occurred in New York at all, and they had to comb years of high-school data to come up with these examples. But clearly, they argued, it was the bats that caused these problems. Yeah.

I’m sure the next item on the docket is removing all of the playground equipment at elementary schools, since it poses a grave danger to the kids. Why, I myself was kicked in the head as a third-grader by someone on a swing*, leading me to break my collarbone! These things are simply unacceptable. Kids should never ever get hurt. Ever. Let’s take away anything that could possibly cause harm.

* Okay, so I was running under the swing at the time. But obviously it’s not my fault.