On Amazon you can buy an amazing cable manufactured by Denon for only $499 ($1 off the suggested retail price of $500, so it’s a real steal). The description is almost comical in the way it makes ordinary data transmission seem like hyperdimensional physics:

Get the purest digital audio you’ve ever experienced from multi-channel DVD and CD playback through your Denon home theater receiver with the AK-DL1 dedicated cable. Made of high-purity copper wire, it’s designed to thoroughly eliminate adverse effects from vibration and helps stabilize the digital transmission from occurrences of jitter and ripple. A tin-bearing copper alloy is used for the cable’s shield while the insulation is made of a fluoropolymer material with superior heat resistance, weather resistance, and anti-aging properties. The connector features a rounded plug lever to prevent bending or breaking and direction marks to indicate correct direction for connecting cable.

Keep in mind that it is, in fact, just a standard Category 6 ethernet cable– the same cable you could buy for $15 at Best Buy (where it would still be a ripoff) or in 500-foot spools at Home Depot for about $50.

The shameless ripoff of the product notwithstanding, it’s the customer reviews on Amazon that really shine. A few of the particularly hilarious ones:

* * * * * Solved Global Warming Locally, June 16, 2008
By Daniel A. Koblosh (Redondo Beach, CA USA)

After I took delivery of my $500 Denon AKDL1 Cat-5 uber-cable, Al Gore was mysteriously drawn to my home, where he pronounced that Global Warming had been suspended in my vicinity.

Yes, I had perfect weather: no flooding, no tornadoes, the exact amount of rain necessary, and he pronounced sea levels exactly right and that they were not going to rise within five miles of my house. Additionally, my cars began achieving 200 mpg and I didn’t even need gasoline. I was able to put three grams of cat litter into the tank and drive forever. What’s more, the atmosphere inside my home became 93% oxygen and virtually no carbon dioxide. In fact, I now exhale oxygen.

One heck of a cable.

Didn’t notice any improvement in audio quality though. The $800 Apple iCable is clearly superior.

* * * * Moves data faster, June 16, 2008
By Kevin Murphy (Los Angeles, CA USA)

One of the unmentioned qualities of these cables is the reduced latency of the signal. Normal copper cables pass signals at about half the speed of light, but these puppies pass the signal at up to three-fourths of lightspeed! This means that your data arrives faster, and since the Ethernet protocol involves collision detection, backoff, and retransmission this added speed means YOUR data is more likely to go ahead of competing data! Further, if there is no issue with other data sources, your data arrives hundreds of picoseconds faster than with other cables. This can be important for gamers in multi-player situations! Or even for folks who just hate to wait for their data to arrive.

Marked down 1 star because it still won’t let you do the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

* * * * * Quoted length misleading, June 19, 2008
By Brad Grenz (Salem, Oregon)
I thought I should mention that while this amazing cable is supposedly 1.5 meters long, I find this quite misleading. When I opened it at first glance 1.5 meters seems accurate. It certainly didn’t feel much longer than 4-5 feet in my hands, but I have since used it to span much greater distances.

So far I have successfully used this cable to share my internet connection with my parents’ house across town, create a wired network connection to a nuclear submarine in the Pacific and, most recently, share files with astronauts on the International Space Station in orbit around the Earth.

I’m not sure how any of this is possible. I suspect it is made of supermolocules, but this cannot be determined with any certainty.

I am currently planning on buying another cable and sending one end on a rocket to Alpha Centari in hopes of connecting my network to any alien civilizations there. I expect the faster-than-light communication features of this Denon cable will be a great asset in growing our knowledge through contact with other intelligent species.

* * * * This Cable Improved my Health!, June 16, 2008
Thank you Denon! I suffer from a rare R/F allergy which makes it nearly impossible for me to leave my lead lined sarcophagus (unless there is a power outage). Generally i can only listen to music on an accoustic gramaphone and hence my library consists entirely of John Phillips Sousa. That all changed when i got the Denon AKDL1 dream maker. No random photons here! I’ve integrated the cable into a bucket I’ve lined with tinfoil and now my library has already expanded to include Count Basie and Sir-Mix-Alot. Life is once again worth living.

The list of reviews continues for nearly twenty pages. It rivals the hilarious hijinks that resulted from hundreds of reviews of the gallon of whole milk you could buy on Amazon a few years ago.