Month: December 2005

12/11/2005

Today I finished all of my Christmas cards. Every year, as I crank through them in assembly-line fashion, I regret that I can’t write more personalized messages in each and every one of them. But I’ve sent around 150 cards every year for the past decade or so, and I simply can’t find the time to personalize all of them. It’s too bad, because in some cases this is one of the few times all year I communicate with these long-lost friends and relatives. Hopefully the entertainment value of the letter is enough that they forgive me my laziness.

12/08/2005

This holiday season, the Motion Picture Ass. of America wants consumers to beware of bootleg DVD’s. They want to be sure we spend our hard-earned dollars not on pirated movies, but on their high-quality wares. How else would we be forced to watch the FBI warning, a lengthy heart-wrenching anti-piracy introductory message, and various Disney previews before even getting to the dang menu?

I’d like to help them in their mission to reap greater profits. As a public service, I present this picture of a woman demonstrating two examples of what might possibly be illegal DVD’s. One of them contains the first three Harry Potter movies, as well as the fourth movie in some other language. In her other hand is the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, along with Earthsea (??), on a single disc. Wow! What a bargain! Clearly the MPAA would never want us to get such a deal, so they must be bootlegs.

12/03/2005

Dave Letterman’s Top Ten New Bush Strategies For Victory in Iraq:

10. Make an even larger “Mission Accomplished” sign.
9. Encourage Iraqis to settle their feud like Dave and Oprah.
8. Put that go-getter Michael Brown in charge.
7. Launch slogan: “It’s not Iraq, it’s Weraq”.
6. Just do whatever he did when he captured Osama.
5. A little more vacation time at the ranch to clear his head.
4. Pack on a quick 30 pounds and trade places with Jeb.
3. Wait, you mean it ain’t going well?
2. Boost morale by doing his hilarious “Locked Door” gag.
1. Place Saddam back in power and tell him, “It’s your problem now, dude”